Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize