we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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