Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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