so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
