The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
