another moral hangover. fuck.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
