I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
