I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
