highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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