By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
