Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize