a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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