i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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