Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
