I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
