i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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