heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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