I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
