Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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