I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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