Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
