I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
FUCK WHALES
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
