I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
