I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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