I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
