so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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