she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize