I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
