i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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