Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
