you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
