Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
