Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
