Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
