I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
