hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
