I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize