are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I could fuck to npr.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
