This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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