I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize