Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize