Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
