dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
