I think my fart just growled at me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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