Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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