I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
