I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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