dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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