and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
