Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
