From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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