Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
