the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
