I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sober January is a disaster.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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