and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
