hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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