dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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