booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
